I'm confused.
Certain things she's saying actually hurts inside. But I don't know how to let her know. All I can do is keep it to myself cause I don't want her to feel dejected for hurting me. When I chose to be with her, I knew this would be a tough road to walk. But I did not know hurt can feel this way.
With Sab, I loved her, and in the end, because I din treasure her enugh, I got hurt. Badly. For PZ, although its only been a week, I loved her more than I loved Sab, probably because I feel like I've known her for ages when I'm with her, when I hold her hand and hold her in my arms, it really and actually feels that I've been with her for a long time, and the feeling is actually stronger than that when I was with Sab. I'm equally puzzled by the fact how anyone can win me over in terms of feelings in just 7 days whereas Sab was with me for 3 yrs and I don't feel as much feelings at that time. And, because the feelings are stronger, the pain and hurt is stronger too. I told Sab the same thing, and PZ too, that I only want them to be happy, and never to be hurt. And yet, I've hurt Sab, too much that it killed her feelings for me. Now, I feel because of me, PZ is feeling hurt too, and I can't help but sometimes wish she could be a bit happier, and I would even wonder if that day I did not hug her, nor even send her home. Maybe if I did not, she would still be with Eugene, and might not feel so troubled by this matter.
I really suck. As a guy, as a lover, as a boyfriend. Because I never seem to bring true happiness to anyone, only hurt. Sometimes, when she says that she feels like just disappearing and start life all over anew at Japan, silently, I'm not only hurt, but I actually wish in my heart that if that she really wants, I will give it to her. If she wants to start her life over again, I should let go, cause she should not be tied down by me.
Every single time, when we take a eyelash and play the wishing game, every single time, I did not wish for myself to end up with her. I only wish that she would truly be happy. That's all I'm asking for. If its me that's bringing her this hurt, then maybe I should be the one disappearing.
When I finally found someone which I love more than Sab, reality comes back to bite me, and wakes me up, showing me that I can never provide happiness to anyone. When my mum told me that I have to share the bills with her, I know, that deep down, these debts would never be fully-cleared, and the one I love will never find absolute happiness with me cause I'm like a guy stuck in a sandpit, only dragging people in with me, never being able to leave this hole forever.
I hate it. I hate my dad for leaving us. For leaving all this shit for my mum to settle thinking that we can settle it. Dad, we can't. No matter how we did. Mum's collapsing. Edwyna is suffering. I'm barely making it. And as the father, you're never here. Because of your ego and pride. Do you know how much I wish that I had died when I was young and the glass from the glass cabinet had poked into me ? Because if I did, maybe you'll learn to treasure mom, maybe you'll learn to treasure Vic, Edwyna and Don. Especially Don. If I wasn't around, maybe the family would be more peaceful. Mom would have one lesser person to care for, or to trouble herself with.
I wish a lot that a lot of things din happen the way it did. But I guessed the no. 1 thing I wished for was for me to not be around, because I have never really brought true happiness to any1 b4.
Life is just so ..... sad....
